I always thought that reality was what you feel.
But my feelings are so varied and so inconsistent, that I seem to have lost a sense for what is true and false. And therefore a profound distrust has built up against myself and my world – the world as I see it.
When I look into the mirror now, I’m not sure what to think. The impression that I get is that I’m not much more than a set of clichéd phrases and actions, robotic responses that have proven by trial and error testing going on since kindergarten to elicit certain reactions with a certain likeliness.
And I don’t even hold these simple mechanisms by which my mind works to be pathological. I don’t think that my personality can be separated into that vicious set of borderline symptoms and my real self underneath, which is perfectly agreeable. At least I cannot make out a dividing line anymore. Subtract my illness from myself and there will be nothing left – that’s how I’m beginning to feel about it. And if my feelings don’t deceive me, than I wonder how there will ever be any chance of improvement. But then again, when have my feelings ever been trustworthy? On the other hand, if reality is what you feel, what’s the point in doubting one’s feelings at all?
What I do know is where all my striving is aimed at. Love is the one feeling that lets one forget one’s world-weariness, leads one to believe, infuses a sense of absoluteness and lets one cut the veil of dreariness. That doesn’t mean that love makes sense, but without it, nothing makes sense. It’s also as elusive as a dream and hard to find. That makes it all the more precious. Love is the only thing that has kept me going all these years. But then again love is a feeling, and s I’m growing afraid of my own feelings. So I wonder, what is the point In going on at all?
Is there really a meaning to those moments I have sheared with one or another special someone? As feelings – my feelings at least – don’t stay with me, love will always turn into heartache, no matter how grounded it may seem. And therefore it’s never really going to set me free or take me any further.
I really don’t see a point in anything anymore.
